Walking along the ocean today all I could think about was how very thankful I am to be on the other side of the anxiety and depression months of last year. I only went to the beach on two occasions during that summer, and that is so not normal for me. (And I have the very white legs that attest to that! Ha!) Gratefully, God got me through once again, and this time I was single and not living with a husband or any of my family, so very different.
Thankfully, my good friend and housemate Ginny, also an artist who works her business primarily from home, was there to keep an eye on me. She was beyond generous with her time and care for me, often taking phone calls from my best friend, sister and kids who regularly checked in with her to see how I was doing.
As well as getting me out of the house a few days a week to run an errand with her, or just to take a drive out in the sunshine. Anyone who has dealt with mental health issues knows that sometimes just going to the grocery store alone can be a big challenge.
So sitting here on a gorgeous April day I can’t help but feel incredibly happy and thankful! (I’m actually not typing this at the beach in case you’re wondering. I write by hand while there ; ) And I’m super excited about this summer, because in addition to traveling around NC to see family and friends, I will be spending as many hours as I can at the beach that is a short three miles from my house – relaxing by the ocean, taking long walks, reading books on my Kindle, doing a little writing, and of course working on jewelry designs. I also head to the ocean sometimes in the late afternoon, at the “golden hour,” to take photos and videos of newly made pieces of jewelry. (Yep, I’m that woman taking photos of jewelry by the ocean instead of kids and grandkids, and not caring what people around me think! Ha!)
So, back to depression. The first time that I remember going through a time of depression was at the age of twenty nine. It was most likely situational, as my husband and I were having a really hard time getting pregnant for the first time. Luckily I was still able to work every day, but I did have an advertising sales job where I more or less made my own hours and could “rest” some during the workday. I’m happy to say that we did eventually get pregnant and I had a beautiful baby boy named Preston. We later were blessed with two more children, Jordan and Jackson.
I didn’t have anxiety and depression again for another twenty years. At the age of fifty, about the time I started early menopause. Then once again a few years later. Then at age fifty nine I suffered a deeper level of anxiety and depression than I had in the past. It lasted almost three years. Doctors refer to it as treatment-resistant depression (TRD) when at least two different antidepressant trials fail to give adequate relief. I had at least six or eight different combinations that failed to help.
I was married for the second time for about twenty years. We were a “blended family” and raised five children together. I had three children from my first marriage and he had two from his first marriage.
And that third depression in my fifties was by far the most difficult, partly because we decided to sell the house I had lived in for thirty years and move to Virginia Beach to live for a year or so with my sister and brother in law. We could live there for much less money, and could be there to help my sister with the care of her husband who was confined to a wheelchair after a kidney transplant, multiple strokes and heart operations over about eight years. Looking back, I don’t think I would have gone along with the decision to move there if I hadn’t been suffering from anxiety and depression and had been thinking clearly.
I really don’t know why God allowed me to go through all of these times of anxiety and depression. Although when I reflect on the good things that may have been a result of those times, or at the very least related, I know there was good happening as well. My relationship (friendship) with God/Jesus became much closer, and I came to believe the words that I sometimes “heard” in my mind while praying were truly the Holy Spirit. That belief didn’t happen overnight though, and I often found myself asking God if he could “say that in a different way” so that I could be more certain it was really coming from him and not me.
Also, I now believe much more strongly that God can and does give us “beauty from (for) ashes” as is written in scripture, meaning for me something beautiful and good happening after the “ashes” or the end of a marriage, and the loss of dreams related to that marriage. Remember this happened to me two different times, during each of my marriages. (I will write more about my personal experiences related to this verse at a later time)
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. – Isaiah 61:3
